A Cat Walks into a Bar Exam….

Shortly after 9 a.m. this morning, our staff cat Owen Meany crossed the wee lane between us and the gym and lawyer’s office. He climbed the attorney’s steps, and although my view was obstructed at that point, I’m pretty sure he knocked and was admitted.

So I would just like to say to Greg Kallen, the lead attorney (who shops at our bookstore) that unless Owen was there to start his career as a paralegal, whatever he told you should be taken with a grain of catnip.

We  don’t want to violate attorney-client privilege, but we can imagine the stories. Please know that we feed him well. He gets treats. He has his own bed. We understand that the demands of being a bookstore cat can be hefty – the fur maintenance for maximum customer effect, the constant purring as a store representative – so we try to provide regular massages and ear rubs. We know it’s a taxing life.

Sure, sometimes breakfast is late. Sometimes we run out of wet cat food. I did once forget that he prefers chicken cat treats to the tuna flavor. I have apologized for these lapses and will correct my behavior–except for that late breakfast thing. Please, Greg, see if you can explain the concept of “weekends” to him?

The reason he doesn’t get goat milk like the rest of the cats is not cruelty on our part, but allergies on his. Is this my fault? Believe me, I’ve tried all the substitutes but he doesn’t like them.

And please remind Mr. Meany that he, who now weighs 9.8 pounds and is the size of two bread boxes despite the fact that he told you we never feed him, was once a wee sick foster kitten, too. Yes, kittens bop about the place in never-ending packs, but they have nowhere else to live unless we find them homes. It’s not like he’s suffering. He has a special heavy cat flap and can go where the kittens can’t, anytime their whapping his nose, chewing his ears, and running toward him with mewls of “Unca Owen, Unca Owen, let’s play horsey!” get too much.

In closing, I hope that we will have the opportunity to settle any issues Owen has cited out of court. We feel sure that Owen will listen to reason, or at least to the sound of a can opener. Thanks, Greg.

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14 Comments

Filed under Big Stone Gap, humor, small town USA, Uncategorized, writing

14 responses to “A Cat Walks into a Bar Exam….

  1. robin jones

    hahaha!!

  2. Pat R

    LOVE IT!!!!!

    ________________________________

  3. Pat Gardner

    Funny! I finally made it to the bookstore yesterday and I met Owen Meany! (and Jack) I watched Winston Kitty as he left for his new “fur”ever home. I couldn’t stay as long as I wanted as I was on pick up grandchild from kindergarten in Hiltons, VA duty. Jack will advise you I am the nut who set off her car alarm and blamed it on anyone else for 5 minutes. Ooopsie. Owen’s issue might be me. I carried him around for a while petting him but when I tried to give him a head bump kiss, he advised me he DID NOT head bump kiss strange women and asked to be put down. Please speak to Owen on my behalf and tell him I apologize for my lapse in good manners.

  4. Pat Gardner

    Also, please tell Jack I said thanks, again, for playing photographer. Last night I posted on my FB page the pic of me standing on the store steps pointing to the sign overhead. As I predicted to Jack, my sisters hit the page almost immediately. BTW, I loved the book, too.

  5. Zooperson

    Cats! One day head bumps are fine, the next day, I don’t think so. I’ve always suspected that they jot down our every misstep in little notebooks. Dates. times. Did Owen appear to be carrying anything as he disappeared into the attorney’s office?

  6. Purrrfect post. Did I really just write that? Oyvey.

  7. James R

    To all those concerned,
    Being that I am Owen’s Cat-Whisperer/Confidant, I have been asked to clarify things. Owen has informed me that the meeting with Greg was merely a consultation on a matter that he may discuss with Wendy at a later date. No one should be worried about that.
    To Pat G.
    Owen feels that it is he who must apologize for his abrupt change in demeanor. He knows that you are a nice lady and normally the head bump kiss would be fine, but there was the problem of your cologne. Apparently, there was a spot just below your chin that was overpowering. I’m sure you know that Cat’s noses are very sensitive. When the smell hit his nose he was afraid that he was going to sneeze in your face and that would have been unforgivable. So he asked to be put down. That way he was able to stifle the sneeze and save embarrassment all around. He says to please save the head bump kiss for next time. And before you ask. Yes, it was just the one spot. The rest of you smelled very nice indeed.

    • BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! BTW James if I forgot to mention it before I loved your Owen Meany essay update from writing group. James voices Owen from time to time and he’s always spot-on.

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