DEAR VALUED CUSTOMER

chestnutsIf you ate in the Second Story Cafe at Tales of the Lonesome Pine Used Books between March 22 and March 27, we urge you to get in touch with us right away. A support group is forming.

Of course our good Chef Kelley tries to source local foods and suppliers whenever possible, so gets her beef from Bob’s market. She also buys gourmet items from Appalachian Hometown Grocery.

Many of you will remember that Kelley made a lovely steak and mushroom pie last week, and discerning foodies may have realized that the pastry crust contained chestnut paste (the secret ingredient). Appalachian Grocery’s stock is culled from various specialty markets; the chestnuts came from Bolivia.

We don’t know how many of you are keeping up with the latest news from there, but yes, the giant spiders you keep seeing in that Facebook picture do exist, and it’s true that Bolivian Wolf Spiders live to be about 150. The BWSes spin their webs among chestnut trees, so the chestnuts get covered in … well, they peed on the chestnuts. And the chestnuts absorbed the nutrients.

Although this might sound distasteful, let’s keep in mind how watermelons and mushrooms reach their ultimate flavor, and not rush to judgment of other cultures’ agricultural practices.

We all know that chestnuts are an excellent source of riboflavin (vitamin B-2) but riboflavin is one of those enhancing vitamins, upping the potency of other nutrients. When the Bolivian government realized what was happening, they ripped the groves up. They weren’t going to just let all that vegetation rot, so they shipped it to the States for cattle fodder. That’s how the cows earmarked for Asheville ate the bark and leaves, and Bob gets his beef from Asheville, so through that odd combination of fate we so often encounter in this life, if you ate the featured casserole last week, you got a double dose of contaminated Bolivian chestnuts. Which means you’re immortal.

So we’re forming a support group and would like to invite everyone who had the steak and mushroom pie between March 22 and March 27 to attend. If you had the chicken fiesta soup, you’re fine, and not to worry about the cowboy beans; that hamburger was on sale at Food City.

Jack and I will see you at 6 pm on April 1–and for a long time after that. We each had two servings. Kelley’s pies are just so tasty.

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8 Comments

Filed under bad writing, Big Stone Gap, bookstore management, humor, Life reflections, post-apocalypse fiction, small town USA, Uncategorized, VA

8 responses to “DEAR VALUED CUSTOMER

  1. first April Fool of the day! Thanks!

  2. Debbie

    Happy April Fools Day, Wendy!

  3. Joy

    I admire that you have taken the moral high road and have alerted your customers of this situation.. BWS infestations should not to be taken lightly. What other food sources may be compromised?! Please keep us appraised of the situation. My thoughts will be with those in need of the support group.

    By the way… could I get take-out of the steak & mushroom pie?

  4. Glen Moody

    what a tangled web of yarn we weave…… for April’s Fool Day.

  5. You had me there for a minute, Wendy!

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